Be my Silver Lining

WARNING: Possibly a lot of TMI.

I try to keep it light on here. I am ever hesitant to talk about real life when it gets too personal or in a direction when I feel uncomfortable. Except, what is a girl to do when she needs an outlet or when she needs support? I am a 29 year old woman who has no children. I am a 29 year old woman who desperately wants children. I am a 29 year old woman who was told yet again by her doctors not to have any.

My backstory is this.. I was 17 years old when I was diagnosed with acute kidney disease. I was 19 years old when I received a kidney from my father. Despite health issues that surround those with kidney/transplant patients I am relatively healthy. Since I was a teenager when I got sick my kidney doctor has always made it a point to tell me to not get pregnant. If at all possible please let it be a planned pregnancy. He repeated this several times throughout my life and especially when I told him I was getting married. "Please get with me BEFORE you decide to start a family." Again his feelings on the issue was, don't get pregnant. He explained to me the complications that could occur for both me and a fetus. I however have had my mind set on having a family and I didn't care the risks to myself. Don't tell me what I can or can not have!

So when it came time for us I went to see my kidney doctor to let him know we wanted to start trying. He had mentioned switching medications on some of my pills that I take when we wanted to start a family because they were either unsafe for a fetus or the effects were unknown. To my surprise at my appointment instead he left me on all of my meds and again gave me the talk about his recommendation of me not getting pregnant. I left the office confused but he was my doctor and I trusted the fact that he knew what he was talking about concerning the pills.

My husband and I have been married for two years now. For two years we have been trying for a baby. There were a few breaks where I wasn't mentally trying because after the first few months frustration began to sit in. Every time someone would come up pregnant it was so crushing it sent me into a state of numbness. Shortly after that wore off it was straight anger and then lots and lots of tears. I ended up switching kidney doctors because of a big "misunderstanding" and it took me three months to get in to see the newest "it" doctor in town. That appointment was this past Friday.

Once again his stance on pregnancy with transplant patients was the same as my old doctor. He suggested surrogacy or adoption as better options. What really broke me was when he asked if I had been trying for a child while on my current medications. Well, yes.. and he seemed concerned. He asked if I had regular periods. I told him that actually once I started trying my cycles have been so weird and off. I would be super late several months, some months I wouldn't have my period at all. He said that on the meds that I am on, and me having very irregular cycles since trying, that I could have just kept having several miscarriages. One after the other. It makes me think of one time when I started bleeding for no reason for a couple of hours in between periods. That freaked me out and I thought I was having a miscarriage then but I wasn't sure at all. When I went to my gynecologist because I was concerned he didn't show any concern in that either. I feel like i'm being let down over and over again by people who should be helping me.

Right now i'm just trying to swallow my future. The fact that i'll probably never be pregnant hurts so bad. That's the best part. That's what I want to experience. More than likely when I hear back from my kidney doctor, who is supposed to be researching more on pregnancy with kidney patients, he'll give me literature that will of course be against having a child. My dreams... shattered.

The silver lining? When the time comes, when we're ready and financially stable, we will be looking into surrogacy. My best friend has said before that she will carry our child. A offer that sent me into tears. Who does that? What kind of person is that selfless? My best friend that's who. And after hearing this devastating news on Friday I went to her to ask if she still meant it and she told me that yes she would and that she's not changing her mind. I am so grateful for even an offer like that. It means the world to me and then some.