Stronger than yesterday

I think i'm envious sometimes of all the mom bloggers out there. I want to be able to talk about my child's accomplishments, share photos, and connect with women who understand the whole "more than just two" lifestyle. Maybe i'm just searching to belong somewhere online again. To me my online interest surround more adult themed websites lately (if I can find them) and now mom oriented sites. Even though I don't hold the title I still like to lurk and I do enjoy reading about a mother's everyday life.

Do you have a blog or website you think I would enjoy? Leave a comment with a link!


Earlier this week I got that letter from my doctor. It was just a letter and not "literature" like he said he would send. I had already did some research of my own so really what he wrote wasn't anything new to my eyes. It basically said what I figured it would. He stated all the risks but none of the positive even though he signed it with "As your doctor I will support you in your quest to get pregnant." Honestly what does that matter now? How can he say he supports my decision when he basically gave me all the negative facts against getting pregnant?

I asked my husband what he thought and basically it's now a no. He doesn't want us to try for a child any longer because he's afraid of the bad that could happen. He doesn't even want to chance losing me. I guess to him, being a man, he doesn't get the urge or feelings I do about wanting to be a parent. Sure he wants children but to have a happy complete life it's not the be all end all with him. To him taking care of me and providing for me outweigh trying for a child that may or may not create complications health wise for me or it. It is upsetting but I took it well. No tears.

Something else I took well was meeting my cousin's newborn child. He was born October 30th but we were out of town at the time. He was born with a lot of problems and so really when he was released they did not allow visitors until they got the go ahead. This Christmas Eve was the first time the family really got to see little Ronnie.

I was real nervous about seeing him for the first time. I mean, i'm still a bit fragile about it all right now. No one in my family knows about my current troubles nor the decision I have made to possibly have a surrogate (my best friend) have my future child. I wonder how that will possibly go over with my family. Another complication for me is that thing's with my cousin haven't been the same since, well to be honest since she started dating her boyfriend. Not to get into it all, and to be brief, we were the best of friends our whole life. Almost like sisters really, and now we're.... just cousins. The news of her getting pregnant was extra hard to take because of her feelings on having children. I had been trying for two years and then she turns up pregnant. That was like a smack to the uterus with a 2x4.

Despite everything I was strong last night. I held the baby and managed not to cry. I am thankful no one made any insensitive comments like "When are you going to have a baby?" or "Doesn't that make you want to start a family" because honestly I would have lost it then. Here's to being strong in the new year!