So Heavy

We could all use some good news. I know that I really could. Yesterday I had an appointment with my kidney doctor and we were going to go over the results of the tests I took a few weeks ago. I was nervous because lately it just seemed to be one bad thing after another. Also, the last time I spoke with him about my health and having a child he mentioned all those thing's that could happen to me. I, of course, wanted to be in excellent condition considering and hoped that maybe if everything looked great he would say, "You're in excellent health. Go ahead and have a baby!" Delusional me. Since I have been sick since I was 17 every time I would go to the various doctors I had to see they always commented on how I was so young. They were astonished that I have never been put on dialysis and they commented that it was probably because of my age. I was always the youngest person in all of those kidney doctors and heart doctors offices I always felt so out of place. And I should have, to me this isn't a place a 17 year old should be. I'm supposed to be healthy and living a great carefree life. How can it be so bad for me to have a child if I feel as great as I do?

The results were good and he was happy with my levels and whatnot. He even reduced two of my medications. I've had this transplant for 11 years already and my dad's kidney has been working out great for me. Throughout the years i've never had any major issues or even rejection. I feel super lucky in that respect. He asked me what our decision was about having children and I told him that my husband didn't want to try for a baby any more. He just nodded and was like "Good." My heart sank. I didn't get that seal of approval I was looking for. He was backing up my husbands decision and that made me upset. I had a talk with the hubs after he got home from work about my results and how the Doctor agreed with him. I hate that J is so stuck on this. Like I mentioned in the previous entry I live the lie, pretty good actually, that I don't want children. Eventually I remember that's just a lie i'm telling myself and then I make a lot of hurtful comments to J about it. To me I figure if I make him feel bad enough about it he'll give in to me. I am a girl who always gets her way and him being so firm about it makes me resent him a little.

Yesterday I asked him if he realizes that this whole changing your mind about having children is a big reason why some couples break up. He just held me and said that he's not happy about his decision because he had his heart set on having a family with me but that he's doing this because he doesn't want to lose me. The angry part of me says that it's so stupid. To me I don't even care because I want a child so much. I want to try and I feel that everything will be okay because I am healthy and doing good. He reversed the roles on me to see it his way. If I would let him risk his life and of course the answer is no. I would never want to lose him but I guess to me sacrificing myself would be worth it. If thing's would turn bad and I actually did die.. at least he'd have our child and a part of me. I only see my side and I can't bring his into my equation. It is selfish of me but I can't stop myself from feeling that he's taking something from me, something he knows I want more than anything else, and it's all because he says so.